1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there’s smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A schmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
6. You need 10 men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann’s.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Boca Raton.
14. WASPs leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
9. Before you read the menu, read the prices. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
10. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at four in the afternoon in Florida at the Early Bird Special.